The Guide: A Story from the Ventilator

I am lost in the forest. There is only black and white. At times I am so disoriented because I can't differentiate between the ground and the sky. I am being chased and my lungs burn from running. I slip and and feel ragged stones and tree needles pierce my skin. The shrubs and bramble rip into my bare legs and scratch at my face and arms. I am lost and alone and feel panicked. I know that there is someplace else where I am supposed to be but I can't find my way out. There is a sense of urgency to escape but the harder I struggle to escape the entrapment of the trees and vines that wrap themselves around my legs, the tighter their grasp. I sense people watching me. I can hear noises in the distance, but I can't find my way out of the darkness. After days lost in the darkness, I hear her voice...

I follow her voice until I reach a small clearing in the woods. There is a circle of tree stumps and I sit down to rest. She appears next to me. Pure white hair...big black sunglasses, a white dress with a simple black line down the middle and around her neck is a rope of silver, gold and ruby stones. She doesn't tell me her name. I don't ask how she found me. I just know that she is here to help me and I feel a calmness wash over my body. I am not alone!

I know I need to find my way out of the darkness. I sense that someone needs me, they are looking for me. I still feel the presence of others around me but I can't see them. I look around because I know that I am not alone but I can't find anyone else. 

My Guide directs me to get up. She tells me I've rested here long enough, it's time to go. When I face her again, she is gone. So, I continue on my quest to escape the barren, black forest...feeling all alone. I am lost, wandering, hopeless, scared, and tired. I want to quit.

In the moments that I feel too tired and weak to continue, it is her voice that I hear, telling me to rest. Telling me to breathe. Telling me that I'm going to be ok. When fear and panic wash over me, her voice calms me. When I stumble over and over, and I cry because my body aches and I begin to feel as if I'm never going to make it out and in a desperate plea I ask for this to end... it is her voice that I hear telling me to,"Fight Amy, fight." 

There are moments when I catch a glimpse of her ahead and I run to catch her but I can never reach her. I follow her voice through the deepest, darkest nights when blackness engulfs me, when fear and panic seize my body, I hear her call my name over and over again and I follow her. 

And then finally, I reach her. I've made it out of the black forest.  She sits me in a chair in the center of a storefront window, white, fluffy,  fake snow fills the space around me. Everything is white now, so bright it is blinding.  She tells me that I've done well. That I've worked really hard. That it's ok to quit if I want to. I want to sit there and look out of the window forever. It is calm and bright and beautiful but then I think I hear my husband's voice. He's calling for me. I want to run to him. I want to tell him that I made it. I want to find him. I tell her that I want to go home. I tell her I can go a little bit further. I ask her to guide me home. She smiles at me and tells me to stay close and follow her voice. I do...I can only hear my name now. "Amy, Amy, Amy." 

I will my eyes to open. My body is covered in tubes. There are 4 people in my small room working on machines that pump fluids into my body. I am awake. I am alive. 

My guide stayed with me, she led me through the deepest, darkest moments. She encouraged me when I was weary, she implored me to fight, she never left my side...and finally, she led me home!

COVID Timeline

I get lots of questions about what to expect when you have COVID. How to know that you might have it and what it feels like.

Here is my COVID timeline, quick notes that I wrote for myself to track my illness: 

·      Monday, March 16- I felt a  tightness in my chest and felt I tired. Thought I might be anxious so I tried meditation to help with tightness in chest. Developed a dry cough. Felt like I might be getting a sinus infection, too. 

 

·      Tuesday, March 17- The cough feels as if it is settling in my chest. Monitoring symptoms- no fever, yet.

 

·      Wednesday, March 18- Still the same. Chest is feeling tighter and cough remains the same. Went outside- the air tasted metallic. I noticed that I’ve lost my sense of taste and smell. 

 

·      Thursday, March 19- High fever of over 102 begins. Terrible headache and body aches. Chest is still tight. Miserable and unable to get off of the couch. No appetite. Still can’t smell or taste anything. Breathing is getting more difficult. 

 

·      Friday, March 20- Still high fever...over 103 now. Skin hurts to touch. My head is aching so badly. Breathing is still ok but chest is tight. The cough feels deep in my chest.

 

·      Saturday, March 21- Feeling a little better during the day. Went outside for fresh air. Fever & chills at night. Still feeling crappy. Headache is awful!

 

·      Sunday, March 22- Fever, aches, pains- tightness in chest is worse. Difficulty talking without coughing. Head still awful!

 

·      Monday, March 23- Called the doctor. She prescribed cough medicine and an inhaler. Cough is so bad I can hardly speak without causing a coughing spell. Still can’t breathe deeply. 

 

·      Tuesday, March 24- Still the same- Medicine is not helping me breathe. Feeling anxious about the breathing. Meditation is not helping. Inhaler is not helping. 

 

·      Wednesday, March 25- Still the same. Spoke with the doctor on call. She prescribed Prednisone and a different inhaler. Told me to stay home...Not to go to the hospital. Very difficult time breathing. Coughing fits where I can’t catch my breath. 

 

·      Thursday, March 26- Still the same- developing a hot,  red, raised rash all over my cheeks and on my chest and back. Still unable to breathe. Made a checklist to make sure that  I’m taking my medicine correctly. Now using 2 inhalers, prednisone, and cough medicine with Codiene and taking Tylenol. Not getting any better.

 

·      Friday, March 27- More of the same. Can’t go up the stairs. Can’t get off of the couch. Can’t breathe very well. Have coughing fits. High fever. Called to go to the hospital…Hospital said do not come in.

 

·      Saturday, March 28- I’m so tired I feel dizzy and so weak. I can’t breathe. I can’t walk around. I am so sick. I’m afraid to go to sleep- afraid that I might not wake up. I’m scared. I’m not getting better. High fever. Rash all over my face and body. I’m done!

 

·      Sunday, March 29- I know that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. I am exhausted, weak and scared. After a severe coughing spell, we call the ambulance. My oxygen  level is 82 with supplemental oxygen. I can't control my breathing. Rapid, short breaths. I am sick!I am intubated within an hour of arriving at the hospital.

*Sunday, March 29-April 2-  I am in a drug-induced coma, on life- support. I am on 100% oxygen to try to support my body so that my lungs begin to heal.

* April 2-  The hospital informs my family that I have in fact tested positive for COVID-19. They ask my husband for approval to have me transferred to St. Joe’s Medical Center- COVID19 Campus so that I can receive better care. 

*April 2-  I am transported by ambulance and placed in the ICU at St. Joe’s Medical Center. I remain on a ventilator until April 13th. 

*April 13- I am off the ventilator and breathing on my own. I am transferred to a private room in the hospital. I suffer from delirium, extreme weakness, and unable to talk, eat or feed myself. 

*April 15-  I am transferred to post-acute care rehabilitation. I receive Physical Therapy twice a day, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and Respiratory Therapy. Over the course of 6 days, I learn to walk, feed myself, and talk again. I am learning how to control air so that I can laugh, too. I am still too weak to take more than a few steps or stand unassisted for more than a couple of minutes. 

*April 21-  I am released from rehab and my family picks me up. My healing really begins NOW!

 

 

Recovering from COVID-19 ~ First Shower

This is one of the only pictures I have of myself in rehab. I documented this moment because it was the day that my sense of smell returned. I knew this because I could smell my own body odor. Disgusting, I know...but in my defense, I had been in the hospital on a ventilator and in the ICU unable to move for the past 20 days. My hair was matted and filled with puke particles and God knows whatever else was hiding in there. I was desperate for a shower but needed to prove I was strong enough to stand and walk in order for them to let me. 

The physical therapist came into my room for my morning session. I remember warning him not to get too close to me, as he reached around me, securing me to him with a strap. He claimed that he didn't notice...but I know he was just being kind because I STUNK! He helped me stand up and take a few steps without the walker. Stepping on the floor caused a searing pain to shoot from my feet up through my legs and then my legs began to shake.  I walked a few feet and then returned to the mauve recliner so I could sit. The act of standing and walking 'unassisted' wiped me out! My chest felt heavy, like there was constant pressure pushing down on me. My pulse rate escalated to over 120.  The PT helped me practice deep breathing exercises to regain control of my breath. 

Once my breath had returned to 'normal', I grabbed the walker and practiced walking around my room. The therapist stood behind me and encouraged me. My leg muscles ached, my arms shook and my chest burned but I was determined to show him that I was able to walk far enough to get into the damn shower. 

Soon after PT ended, the Occupational Therapist came in for her session. Excitedly, she told me that the Physical Therapist thought I was strong enough to walk down the hall to take a shower! Walking very slowly and deliberately, I made my way for the door. My lungs were SCREAMING at me but still I pressed on, determined to wash the stink off me. 

Breathing heavily, I made it to the shower room and maneuvered my way around to sit on the bench. I was too weak to undress on my own, so the OT and nurse helped me. They turned on the faucet for me and handed me the shower head. The feeling of sitting under the hot water actually made me cry. It felt unlike anything I had felt before. Pure bliss!

At that moment I did not care that it took the OT and a nurse to get me in the shower and that they stood there with me while I sat naked with all of my lumps and bumps, bruises and scars exposed or that there was one bottle of nasty smelling soap meant to be shampoo, conditioner and a body wash all in one. It didn't matter that I was too weak to lift my arms to my head and needed the OT to come in the shower and wash my hair...I was just so damned happy to be there. 

That's all that I accomplished that day. I spent the rest of my day in bed or sitting up in the chair exhausted but I had taken a shower, probably the best shower that I've ever had.