The Guide: A Story from the Ventilator

I am lost in the forest. There is only black and white. At times I am so disoriented because I can't differentiate between the ground and the sky. I am being chased and my lungs burn from running. I slip and and feel ragged stones and tree needles pierce my skin. The shrubs and bramble rip into my bare legs and scratch at my face and arms. I am lost and alone and feel panicked. I know that there is someplace else where I am supposed to be but I can't find my way out. There is a sense of urgency to escape but the harder I struggle to escape the entrapment of the trees and vines that wrap themselves around my legs, the tighter their grasp. I sense people watching me. I can hear noises in the distance, but I can't find my way out of the darkness. After days lost in the darkness, I hear her voice...

I follow her voice until I reach a small clearing in the woods. There is a circle of tree stumps and I sit down to rest. She appears next to me. Pure white hair...big black sunglasses, a white dress with a simple black line down the middle and around her neck is a rope of silver, gold and ruby stones. She doesn't tell me her name. I don't ask how she found me. I just know that she is here to help me and I feel a calmness wash over my body. I am not alone!

I know I need to find my way out of the darkness. I sense that someone needs me, they are looking for me. I still feel the presence of others around me but I can't see them. I look around because I know that I am not alone but I can't find anyone else. 

My Guide directs me to get up. She tells me I've rested here long enough, it's time to go. When I face her again, she is gone. So, I continue on my quest to escape the barren, black forest...feeling all alone. I am lost, wandering, hopeless, scared, and tired. I want to quit.

In the moments that I feel too tired and weak to continue, it is her voice that I hear, telling me to rest. Telling me to breathe. Telling me that I'm going to be ok. When fear and panic wash over me, her voice calms me. When I stumble over and over, and I cry because my body aches and I begin to feel as if I'm never going to make it out and in a desperate plea I ask for this to end... it is her voice that I hear telling me to,"Fight Amy, fight." 

There are moments when I catch a glimpse of her ahead and I run to catch her but I can never reach her. I follow her voice through the deepest, darkest nights when blackness engulfs me, when fear and panic seize my body, I hear her call my name over and over again and I follow her. 

And then finally, I reach her. I've made it out of the black forest.  She sits me in a chair in the center of a storefront window, white, fluffy,  fake snow fills the space around me. Everything is white now, so bright it is blinding.  She tells me that I've done well. That I've worked really hard. That it's ok to quit if I want to. I want to sit there and look out of the window forever. It is calm and bright and beautiful but then I think I hear my husband's voice. He's calling for me. I want to run to him. I want to tell him that I made it. I want to find him. I tell her that I want to go home. I tell her I can go a little bit further. I ask her to guide me home. She smiles at me and tells me to stay close and follow her voice. I do...I can only hear my name now. "Amy, Amy, Amy." 

I will my eyes to open. My body is covered in tubes. There are 4 people in my small room working on machines that pump fluids into my body. I am awake. I am alive. 

My guide stayed with me, she led me through the deepest, darkest moments. She encouraged me when I was weary, she implored me to fight, she never left my side...and finally, she led me home!

Oatmeal Casserole

Oatmeal is my breakfast hero because it is so flexible. You can throw this together at night, bake it and then warm it up in the morning. You can add any fruit to the mix to make it your own. Try swapping in pears for the apples, or raisins for the dried cherries. Experiment to find your perfect combo!

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Oatmeal Casserole

Ingredients:

• 4 1/2 cups plant milk {I used almond milk}
• 4 tbsp. maple syrup
• 2 1/4 cups rolled oats
• 3 apples, chopped{you can also use pears}
• 3/4 cup dried cherries
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 2 tsp. vanilla
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/4 cup copped walnuts

Instructions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F.
2. In a saucepan, whisk together 4 1/2 cups plant milk and maple syrup and bring to a boil.
3. Stir in oats, apples, cherries, and cinnamon. Cook, stirring, until bubbly, then cook and stir for 2 minutes more. 
4. Remove from the heat and stir in vanilla extract. Season with salt. 
5. Pour mixture into a greased 8X8 baking dish. Sprinkle with walnuts. 
6. Bake until bubbly around the edges and top is firm, about 35-40 minutes. 
7. Let cool slightly. Serve with plant milk and a little extra maple syrup, if desired.

Created using The Recipes Generator

COVID Timeline

I get lots of questions about what to expect when you have COVID. How to know that you might have it and what it feels like.

Here is my COVID timeline, quick notes that I wrote for myself to track my illness: 

·      Monday, March 16- I felt a  tightness in my chest and felt I tired. Thought I might be anxious so I tried meditation to help with tightness in chest. Developed a dry cough. Felt like I might be getting a sinus infection, too. 

 

·      Tuesday, March 17- The cough feels as if it is settling in my chest. Monitoring symptoms- no fever, yet.

 

·      Wednesday, March 18- Still the same. Chest is feeling tighter and cough remains the same. Went outside- the air tasted metallic. I noticed that I’ve lost my sense of taste and smell. 

 

·      Thursday, March 19- High fever of over 102 begins. Terrible headache and body aches. Chest is still tight. Miserable and unable to get off of the couch. No appetite. Still can’t smell or taste anything. Breathing is getting more difficult. 

 

·      Friday, March 20- Still high fever...over 103 now. Skin hurts to touch. My head is aching so badly. Breathing is still ok but chest is tight. The cough feels deep in my chest.

 

·      Saturday, March 21- Feeling a little better during the day. Went outside for fresh air. Fever & chills at night. Still feeling crappy. Headache is awful!

 

·      Sunday, March 22- Fever, aches, pains- tightness in chest is worse. Difficulty talking without coughing. Head still awful!

 

·      Monday, March 23- Called the doctor. She prescribed cough medicine and an inhaler. Cough is so bad I can hardly speak without causing a coughing spell. Still can’t breathe deeply. 

 

·      Tuesday, March 24- Still the same- Medicine is not helping me breathe. Feeling anxious about the breathing. Meditation is not helping. Inhaler is not helping. 

 

·      Wednesday, March 25- Still the same. Spoke with the doctor on call. She prescribed Prednisone and a different inhaler. Told me to stay home...Not to go to the hospital. Very difficult time breathing. Coughing fits where I can’t catch my breath. 

 

·      Thursday, March 26- Still the same- developing a hot,  red, raised rash all over my cheeks and on my chest and back. Still unable to breathe. Made a checklist to make sure that  I’m taking my medicine correctly. Now using 2 inhalers, prednisone, and cough medicine with Codiene and taking Tylenol. Not getting any better.

 

·      Friday, March 27- More of the same. Can’t go up the stairs. Can’t get off of the couch. Can’t breathe very well. Have coughing fits. High fever. Called to go to the hospital…Hospital said do not come in.

 

·      Saturday, March 28- I’m so tired I feel dizzy and so weak. I can’t breathe. I can’t walk around. I am so sick. I’m afraid to go to sleep- afraid that I might not wake up. I’m scared. I’m not getting better. High fever. Rash all over my face and body. I’m done!

 

·      Sunday, March 29- I know that if I fall asleep, I will not wake up. I am exhausted, weak and scared. After a severe coughing spell, we call the ambulance. My oxygen  level is 82 with supplemental oxygen. I can't control my breathing. Rapid, short breaths. I am sick!I am intubated within an hour of arriving at the hospital.

*Sunday, March 29-April 2-  I am in a drug-induced coma, on life- support. I am on 100% oxygen to try to support my body so that my lungs begin to heal.

* April 2-  The hospital informs my family that I have in fact tested positive for COVID-19. They ask my husband for approval to have me transferred to St. Joe’s Medical Center- COVID19 Campus so that I can receive better care. 

*April 2-  I am transported by ambulance and placed in the ICU at St. Joe’s Medical Center. I remain on a ventilator until April 13th. 

*April 13- I am off the ventilator and breathing on my own. I am transferred to a private room in the hospital. I suffer from delirium, extreme weakness, and unable to talk, eat or feed myself. 

*April 15-  I am transferred to post-acute care rehabilitation. I receive Physical Therapy twice a day, Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy and Respiratory Therapy. Over the course of 6 days, I learn to walk, feed myself, and talk again. I am learning how to control air so that I can laugh, too. I am still too weak to take more than a few steps or stand unassisted for more than a couple of minutes. 

*April 21-  I am released from rehab and my family picks me up. My healing really begins NOW!

 

 

Menu Plan- Week of August 10

It's always been hard for me to menu plan in the summer. Maybe it's because I'm not working or maybe it's because I just tell myself I deserve a break from the structure of planning. To be honest, I dislike planning menus and figuring out what everyone will eat and then finding new recipes and making grocery lists and then grocery shopping...it's all such a huge process and after all of these years, I'm pretty tired. BUT...I know if I don't plan, I find myself at 7 or 8 PM, with no food on the table and no plan and it's just another night of fending for yourself. So, I'm back to planning and trying to get into a routine since school will be starting soon, which means back to work!

Here's what we are eating this week:

Monday:

Breakfast: Oatmeal Casserole {with Diced apples & dried cherries} 

Lunch: Potato wedges with BBQ Lentils

Dinner: Vegetarian hotdogs, potato puffs and green beans

Tuesday:

Breakfast: Leftover Oatmeal Casserole

Lunch: Southwestern Marinara

Dinner: Veggie tacos

Wednesday:

Breakfast: Blueberry Muffins

Lunch: Burrito Baked Potato

Dinner: Spicy Black Beans over Rice

Thursday:

Breakfast: Protein shake: ice, frozen cherries, strawberries & blueberries, spoonful of peanut butter,      tablespoon of ground flax, almond milk and a shot of Ningxia Red juice{YoungLiving}

Lunch: Jerk Black Bean and Mango Wrap

Dinner: Triple Tomato Pasta

Friday:

Breakfast: Strawberry Power Bowl

Lunch: ALT Sandwich {Avocado, Lettuce & Tomatoes between 2 slices of whole grain bread}

Dinner: Homemade pizza

Saturday:

Breakfast: Protein Shake

Lunch: Tostadas with refried beans 

Dinner: Order Take Out

Sunday:

Breakfast: Waffles with homemade blueberry sauce

Lunch: Summer salad: romaine lettuce, berries, slivered almonds, and homemade poppyseed dressing

Dinner: Salmon with grilled vegetables over rice

So there you have it...One week of meals planned, groceries bought and now all I have to do is make it! Here's to a productive week!

Seasoned Potato Wedges with BBQ Lentils

 Tangy and hearty...BBQ lentils atop tender potato wedges are perfect for spring and summer evening. They're family friendly and simple to throw together. 

As an alternate recipe, bake the potatoes and then stuff them with the BBQ lentils.

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Potato Wedges with BBQ Lentils

Ingredients:

• 2 cups dry brown lentils, rinsed & drained
• 3 cups chopped plum tomatoes
• 1 large yellow onion, chopped
• 1 1/4 cups barbecue sauce
• 5 Russet potatoes, scrubbed & cut into wedges
• 1 Tbsp. olive oil
• 1/2 tsp. paprika
• 1/2 tsp. garlic powder
• 1/2 tsp. onion powder
• 1/2 tsp. chili powder
• 2 1/2 Tbsp. yellow mustard {for serving}
• Sour cream{optional}

Instructions:

1. Preheat the oven to 400°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or silicone baking mat.
2. Place potato wedges in a large bowl. Pour olive oil over the potatoes. Sprinkle with paprika, garlic powder, onion powder and chili powder. Toss until well coated. Place the wedges in a single layer on prepared baking sheet until tender, 35-40 minutes.
3. In a saucepan over high heat, combine lentils with 3 3/4 cups water and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and simmer until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain, if necessary. Let cool.
4. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, over medium heat, cook the tomatoes and onions, stirring occasionally, until tomatoes are soft, about 5 minutes. Add water a tablespoon at a time to keep vegetables from sticking. Stir in cooked lentils and barbecue sauce.
5. Top potatoes with BBQ lentils. Drizzle with sour cream and yellow mustard. Season with black pepper to taste. 

Created using The Recipes Generator

Recovering from COVID-19 ~ First Shower

This is one of the only pictures I have of myself in rehab. I documented this moment because it was the day that my sense of smell returned. I knew this because I could smell my own body odor. Disgusting, I know...but in my defense, I had been in the hospital on a ventilator and in the ICU unable to move for the past 20 days. My hair was matted and filled with puke particles and God knows whatever else was hiding in there. I was desperate for a shower but needed to prove I was strong enough to stand and walk in order for them to let me. 

The physical therapist came into my room for my morning session. I remember warning him not to get too close to me, as he reached around me, securing me to him with a strap. He claimed that he didn't notice...but I know he was just being kind because I STUNK! He helped me stand up and take a few steps without the walker. Stepping on the floor caused a searing pain to shoot from my feet up through my legs and then my legs began to shake.  I walked a few feet and then returned to the mauve recliner so I could sit. The act of standing and walking 'unassisted' wiped me out! My chest felt heavy, like there was constant pressure pushing down on me. My pulse rate escalated to over 120.  The PT helped me practice deep breathing exercises to regain control of my breath. 

Once my breath had returned to 'normal', I grabbed the walker and practiced walking around my room. The therapist stood behind me and encouraged me. My leg muscles ached, my arms shook and my chest burned but I was determined to show him that I was able to walk far enough to get into the damn shower. 

Soon after PT ended, the Occupational Therapist came in for her session. Excitedly, she told me that the Physical Therapist thought I was strong enough to walk down the hall to take a shower! Walking very slowly and deliberately, I made my way for the door. My lungs were SCREAMING at me but still I pressed on, determined to wash the stink off me. 

Breathing heavily, I made it to the shower room and maneuvered my way around to sit on the bench. I was too weak to undress on my own, so the OT and nurse helped me. They turned on the faucet for me and handed me the shower head. The feeling of sitting under the hot water actually made me cry. It felt unlike anything I had felt before. Pure bliss!

At that moment I did not care that it took the OT and a nurse to get me in the shower and that they stood there with me while I sat naked with all of my lumps and bumps, bruises and scars exposed or that there was one bottle of nasty smelling soap meant to be shampoo, conditioner and a body wash all in one. It didn't matter that I was too weak to lift my arms to my head and needed the OT to come in the shower and wash my hair...I was just so damned happy to be there. 

That's all that I accomplished that day. I spent the rest of my day in bed or sitting up in the chair exhausted but I had taken a shower, probably the best shower that I've ever had. 

I Survived COVID19

In the early morning of March 29th,  I laid on the couch contemplating what I should do next...my lungs were heavy, as I managed shallow, rapid breathing, fever raged through my body and I felt as if I was fading away...I was incredibly dizzy, tired and so weak.  Unable to climb the stairs, my husband had taken his phone with him to bed earlier and told me to call him if I needed anything. It only took an hour before I called him and asked him to come sit with me on the couch. I was afraid that if I closed my eyes I wouldn't wake up. Soon after, a coughing fit started and I couldn't catch my breath. Coughing fits continued off and on for about 20 minutes. I peed my pants. I could barely speak because I couldn't breathe. I remember looking at my husband and telling him, "I need to go to the hospital. We need to call 911." The ambulance came, my oxygen level was 82. The EMT placed an oxygen mask over my face.  I never realized just how bad I was feeling until that moment, the oxygen was heavenly and for the first time in days, I felt as if I could breathe. As I was transported to the ER, the EMT called ahead to the hospital, reading off my vitals. He told me not to be surprised if they didn't admit me...

As we entered the hospital, a nurse took my temperature with one of those no-touch thermometer guns. 98.7... but 10 minutes later when my nurse came into my room and took my temperature, in a spot that is said to be much more accurate, it was 103.7. She gave me Tylenol and I prayed for the pain to go away. My face was covered in a hot, red rash. I was burning up. The nurse came back and stuck the swab up my nose to test for COVID19. I would find out a month later that I tested positive.  I stared at the wall trying to control my breathing until the nurse returned to take me for a CT scan. Laying in the tube, my arms stretched above my head, the technician tells me to take a deep breath and scolds me when I cough every time I inhale.  She urges me to stay still. I want to yell at her that I can't take deep breaths... I'm choking to death is all I can think.  I am relieved when the test is done and I can return to my room to stare numbly at the wall. I am all alone. My head aches and I need the pain to go away!

20 minutes later the doctor slid my door open, sticking his head in the room, never entering completely..."You are very sick," he says. He explains that both of my lungs were full of fluid and debris, something called, "ground glass opacity," common in patients with COVID19. I was suffering from Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome{ARDS} and he explained that he couldn't wait even one day to observe me, he had consulted other doctors and they all agreed that I needed to be admitted and intubated immediately. It was our only chance to give my body a shot at beating the virus and keeping me alive.  I asked the doctor to call my husband to let him know what was happening. I felt oddly calm and clear headed.

Within minutes, my nurse returned and pushed my bed through the long, dimly lit hallways and onto the elevator. I was being moved to the CCU. There were 4 women and 2 men standing in the hall waiting for me. The tallest nurse told the others that she would prep me and she pushed my bed into the plain room. All I noticed were the stained, warped ceiling tiles up above me and the crooked crucifix on the wall opposite me...that's it. Nothing else. A tear slides down my cheek as I think of Andrew, Chloe, Lindsey and John. I'm not ready to leave them. I think how awful it would be if I don't live and I have to leave them. The pain is so immense ...It nearly takes all of my breath away...the thought that I would never see them again. I am scared, not for me, but for them. I don't want the kids to feel the pain of losing their mom and John having to lose his wife.

I stared at the cross on the wall and prayed silently to God, thanking him for all that he had given me and asking him to watch over me and my family. I prayed for the doctors to heal me and I promised him I would do better if given the chance. I prayed he'd give us all the strength we needed to survive this.

Finally, I found my voice and said to the group that had assembled in my room, "You can't let me die. I didn't get to say goodbye." In my head I wondered if my family knows how much I love them  and how hard I am willing to fight to get back to them. I wondered if they knew that every happy memory in my life involved them. I hoped they did. I hear a woman's voice say, "We're going to fight hard for you. We'll do all we can. We'll do our best for you." Someone squeezed my right hand.

The doctor stood at the head of the bed. She explained to me what was happening. I would be given medicine to make me sleep and they would insert the tube when they were sure that I wouldn't feel pain. She asked me my weight and then started saying numbers and directing people what to do.  A nurse to the left of me turned on the oxygen, air blasted from somewhere but I couldn't  see anything. The nurse on my right held my hand and more tears slid down my cheeks. The needle was placed in my right arm and as I feel myself drift off, I squeeze the nurses hand...my way of saying thank you for not leaving my side. 

I spent 4 days on a ventilator in the ICU at Mercy Hospital in Buffalo. I was then transferred(still intubated) to the ICU at St. Joe's Medical Center. They had turned St. Joe's into the COVID19 treatment facility. I spent a total of 13 days on a ventilator, 2 additional days in the ICU while I recovered and 3 days in a hospital room before I was released to the St. Joe's Acute Rehab Center- for COVID19 patients. I spent a week in rehab and was finally released to go home with my family just a few days short of a month after I was taken to the hospital. 

I know I beat the odds. I know it was a miracle and that all of the people praying feverishly over me had everything to do with my being alive today.  I am so incredibly grateful for the amazing doctors, nurses, PAs, techs, and therapists who worked so hard and risked so much in order to save my life.